2022 and Still Human

Jen. Jen. Jen. You are my spirit guide.

It’s January 1, 2022 and I know what I am going to do next. We are kindred spirits. I have your thirteen years working as a waitress beat, but, what a great metaphor for living life full out it has been (for both of us?).

So from your book, ON BEING HUMAN, here is my inspiration in the New Year. To all my patrons and my employees of that restaurant I owned and had to let go of years and years and years ago…Thank you. Your names and my memories of you are not as clear. Just make believe I wrote something like this to you.

“I wrote a thank-you letter. To the restaurant I worked at for thirteen years and to all the fucked-up people I waited on, all the wonderfully peculiar and quirky customers, all the big-hearted ones, the overtippers, the assholes. I wanted to thank them all. I wish I had written more down from that era but I was half-asleep, so it was hard to pay attention to anything other than my survival and Tables 32 and 43. I do think, however, that they all left imprints in my DNA, or rather, I pray that they did, because without those imprints, I have no proof that I existed. I have no journals of all the times people were rude to me or said awkward things like, “Is there something wrong with your ovaries? I have a feeling you have a cyst. I can feel that by your energy,” or the exact words they said when they insisted on buying me a plane ticket to see my newborn nephew across the country. I wondered, if I was that professor drinking brandy from that weird Wyoming glass, would I be happier? Would I have written down all the moments that led me to whatever moment I was in, in my professorship or famous authordom? Maybe. But wouldn’t I at some point still weep at the sink? Doesn’t everyone? It was then that I decided to say thank you to my past. Thanks to all the weirdos and inappropriate old men, and also thank you to all the kind people. Thank you to my coworkers, the ones who escaped and the ones who still haven’t, who are off working at other restaurants, with another slew of demanding hungry customers. Thank you to those who believed in me and thank you to those who didn’t. Thank you to the talent manager I met at the restaurant who told me to lose ten pounds. Thank you to the guys in the kitchen who would make me food when they weren’t allowed to. Thank you to the douchebag who, just because you had a hit TV show, thought you could humiliate me. Thank you. I loved running into you recently when you couldn’t place me and said, “It’s so good to see you. You look great. Really great.” Thank you to Kevin Smith, the director (also from New Jersey), for always always tipping 100 percent of your bill. Every. Single. Time. And to Patton Oswalt, Titus Welliver, and Sarah Silverman for being great customers, big tippers, and treating me like a human being. That helped. Thank you to the lady who told me she thought I would’ve made something of myself by now. Thank you to the people who paid attention. And those who didn’t. Thank you to the women who couldn’t ask for what they want, who let their voices get really high as they singsonged, “Um, can I, like, get extra dressing?” Thank you. Thank you forever to Laura Louie, Woody Harrelson’s wife, who told me my pants had a big slit in the back and that my ass was showing. I would have done the same for you, for anyone. Thank you to those who made me laugh or sit down at the table like I was an equal. Thank you to those who said I looked good. Thank you to the lady who asked if I had herpes. Thanks to the guys who asked me out and thanks to those I went out with. Thanks to the famous songwriter who always asked for plastic cutlery. But mostly in those years, I learned how easy it is to confuse grief for body fat, your job for your worth, your lack of knowing who you are with the fact that you are nobody and nothing. I wish I could go back because I remember all the table numbers and how to put an order in and what was on the menu and I would not wear high shoes or makeup or sneak booze in the back or hide myself in all the ways I did back then. I would let myself get slammed, in the weeds, in waiterspeak, when you are utterly unable to catch up, and I would ask for help. And I would realize that it wasn’t that big of a deal, asking for help or being stuck. That the world was going to keep spinning. And I would slowly make my way out. Somewhere in me those experiences and memories have an inner life, and somehow, despite the pathetic head banging in the walk-in freezer at the restaurant, I made it. Not only had I re-created myself as someone who was not dead inside, but I was teaching other people how to feel more alive. I was married, I was teaching yoga, leading retreats, writing. I no longer believed that I didn’t deserve to take up any space on the planet. I sat on my living room floor and rolled back until my head hit the carpet. I stared up at the ceiling of my apartment and wondered who I’d thank in fifteen years. Of course there was no way to know that I would be thanking my son, so I simply said, Thank you, Robert, thank you, apartment, thank you, ceiling, thank you, sink. Thank you, everything that is anchoring me to this. Thank you. May I be a Human Thank-You. And not an asshole.”

— Jennifer Pastiloff

I'm all in

I often think about changing the world. What can I do? How can I help? What should I do? Questions never answered and they annoy me. 

I think I don’t  want to change the world. I just want to be in the world. I like it here.

Today as I sat, having lunch and looking out my window, an eagle landed in the tree. He was magnificent. The geese were butts-up in the creek, enjoying their lunch. Just now, I crunched the last of the leaves under foot in the woods as I walked with my dogs. Amber light lit the trees and the three deer crossed our path.

On the corner of the path, where it meets the street, there is a house. The man that owned the house was setting up a huge and incredible display of Christmas lights, shimmering reindeer and inflatable snowmen. I congratulated him on the picture he created and thanked him for giving me something delightful. I said I was going to drive by tonight to see it all lit up. He looked at me and replied with a modest, “Thank you it takes me a week.”

But here’s the thing: He didn’t design it for me. He made it for himself and made it awkward and beautiful at the same time.

When he pulls into his driveway each night, between now and sometime after Christmas, he will be delighted and proud and happy to return to his lit up world. He's going to pull in the driveway and take it in. 

That's what being in the world looks like. 

It’s all lit up.

I am worthy...GULP

Alrighty then...I knew I needed to write something here in AUGUST but because I have abandoned PERFECTION, I didn't get around to it. Perhaps you can relate or perhaps you are feeling very accomplished. Please tell me in the comments below so that I can learn from you.

The real deal is that we are all worthy of love, connection and respect no matter what our ideas of perfection are. I recently spoke about this on FB Live (check me out every Thursday at 4:00 central. I will be there for you...)

Perfection is someone else's idea of what we need to know and how we need to act in order to be worthy of love and belonging.

Authenticity is our idea and as we grow up, it takes courage to discern. That's too bad. Imagine telling this little square peg that she isn't worthy of love and belonging unless she does things like everybody else?

The last couple of weeks I have reflected on "What do I need to say goodbye to?" in order to feel worthy of self-love and self-respect. 

I need to say goodbye to:

• Wanting everything right now.

• Feeling that my fans miss me if I don't post on social media several times a day

• Taking on more ways to replace the pain in the world with real community initiatives

• Worrying about money

• And the list goes on...

 I I looked at the list and found an old worksheet (very rumpled in the bottom of that "things to hang on to basket...hmmmm...) and thought I would ask another question...Gulp:

How do I benefit by "holding on"? 

• I won't have to change my daily schedule

• I can alleviate my fear of being ignored because "everyone" likes/loves my posts.

• I can be at peace thinking this is the only way to help change the world

• I can spend a lot of time researching ways to make money instead of working on the ways I already am that I think are boring or played out.

• I can keep focusing on what I want to do instead of what takes COURAGE.

Someone ( a fellow coach) framed this dilemma a bit differently for me. Now that I have this list - and I know there's more here - "Now that I have this list, what do I need to do that will allow me to let go and carry on?"

I say that I am a self-compassion coach and it appears my higher coach is calling. Perhaps it's time to listen.

We all make up our story. I will rewrite mine and tell you about it next time.

Do you have a story you want to let go? It would be great if we could support each other. Talk to you soon.

Meet GAIL

Let’s explore the self-talk, assumptions, interpretations, and limited beliefs that stop us from moving on.

Do you hear a voice in your head every time you want to explore something new? You know that naysayer on your shoulder?

Say "Hello" to your GREMLIN. She's a nasty girl that likes to tell you you're not good enough, too old, dumb, inflexible, or crazy,

Welcome the GREMLIN's partner: ASSUMPTION. She guides you to land of ,"I could never do that." and, "People will think I am crazy." It's the place where judgment lives. When your GREMLIN and ASSUMPTION buddy up, it sound like this,

"You are too old and people will think you are you crazy if you do that."

Enter INTERPRETATION. Even more frosting on the self-doubt cake: "My friend tried to do that and she lost her best friend, so I know if you do it, you will, too." Now, we have a party. GREMLIN, ASSUMPTION and INTERPRETATION have a chat and here's what they say:

"You're too old and people with think you're are crazy. My friend tried to do that and she had to go to a therapist. You will, too."

But we are not done. LIMITED BELIEF chimes in and says, " C'mon. Life is good enough the way it is."

So, GAIL walks into a bar. You tell her what you really want to do next. She's ready for you with her posse and tells you:

GREMLIN: "You're too old.

ASSUMPTION: People will think you're are crazy.

INTERPRETATION: My friend tried to do that and she had to go to a therapist. I'll bet you will, too.

LIMITED BELIEF: C'mon. Your life is good enough as it is."

And you listen to her...You give up your dream.

When we pass judgement on something we dream about, GAIL is right there. She loves to see you be hard on someone...especially you!

You gotta have SOUL

It began when the world seemed to break apart.

Children were in cages, oligarchs were taking center stage, murders were ignored, and…well, you know.

As the world turned, I got pneumonia, my house flooded, I had foot surgery, and my mother died.

Yes. It. Was. A. Lot. (I may have been a little depressed…just sayin’)

And so, I took a break. I slowed down. Showing up as a coach, trainer, speaker, writer, and teacher didn’t make me feel good. As a matter of fact, I began feeling bad. I lost my passions. My soul was underfed and overwhelmed. I needed to get out of my shadow and into the light.

I began. We had a second house as an Airbnb. It didn’t take so much time to manage and, yet, it still took up brain space. We sold it. Peeling away memories of the house was bittersweet, but, things did feel lighter.

In 2009, when we left Alaska, we lived in a motor home. In 2019, we still owned the motor home and it became a fixture in our front yard. The romantic memory of our adventurous year of travel, and the subsequent hope of “one day” doing it again, had compelled us to keep it. In 2019, however, a new owner backed her out of our driveway. I felt lighter still.

There was space within again. My passion for making the world better place has always been within me. There is a soft glow from my soul and I am ready to return.

Love. Love.

Never Doubt...

I wanted to write something soothing for us today. I wanted to let you know it is going to be alright. I wanted you to believe in all that is good. So, I found something that gave me hope.

Aum asato mā sadgamaya
Tamaso mājyotir gamaya
Mṛtyormā’mṛtaṁgamaya
Aum śāntiḥ, śāntiḥ, śāntiḥ

Lead us from the unreal to the real
Lead us from darkness to light
Lead us from death to immortality
Aum peace, peace, peace!

I end my yoga classes with the Sanskrit chant of three words in the last sentence. After practice, it is remarkable how the vibrational energy of these words grounds me when sung as a call and response. The willingness to share this intention in a room on a yoga mat with friends and strangers gives me hope for what can be brought out of the studio into the world.

“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed, citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.”          

- Margaret Mead

Peace.

Peace.

Peace.

Dear Mr. President,

We have never met. And I am willing to bet we never will. It's not my practice to belittle or demean anyone, but, gee whiz, sir, that seems to be all you do.

You are a big deal and you need to respect that if people are going to respect you. Leadership is a responsibility. Please take it seriously and think about what you say and how you say it. I hope I am not too late, with the North Korea thing going on, but I still had to say, please, please, please try to:

New, True, and Beautiful story

Maybe this is a tool you can use. I am printing a bunch for myself because I need to PLAN! So many things to do...so little focus.  Am I alone here?

I found my calling again this weekend at the Daring Way Midwest Conference. A room full of love and energy and inspiration. Throughout this time together, I reminded myself of my true purpose: To help women live and create with self-compassion.

I am working on becoming more vulnerable and sharing my wisdom - yes, miles on the tires wisdom gathering - with a PLAN. Your will be seeing more of me....Get ready.

How about you? What's your big scary PLAN to live with PURPOSE?

You can let me know that you want a PLANNING PAGE for your office - or your refrigerator - by email and of course, you can call me to help you love yourself through your new, true, and beautiful story anytime. 

Kathy@KathyLarsonCoach.com

The Compasivo Wellness Experience is HAPPENING!

So many things to be grateful for today, and first on my mind is my new home studio - My Studio on Turtle Creek - almost complete and waiting to blessed by Celia. Mother nature is painting the earth rich emerald green thanks to the rain. The students at the Y are such gentle souls, as they release the tension and restore balance, I marvel at their trust. Which leads me to today's pinch-myself-inspiration...

The 1st Compasivo Wellness Experience is happening January 15-18, 2018. The Villa has been rented, the Chef has been hired, the butler is waiting and I am feeling blessed. 

I love teaching. I taught leadership in the nineties, personal development and team building a the turn of the century - yes, I really said that -, and now I am a yoga teacher, a life coach, and a Daring Way facilitator. 

As if guided by some force, I moved more and more into the deep work of relationships. Relationships at home, at the office and in the community. And one thing I have learned that holds true whether working with a group or individuals is that we all have a hunger for self-compassion. Forgiving and loving ourselves is the magic elixir for health and happiness. 

That's what the real work is about and I can't wait to live it for three days with eight fabulous women. Pinch me!

My Passion is Karen Putz

 Buy this book by Karen Putz.

Last year, at a writer's seminar, I had the joy of meeting one the most remarkable and passionate people on the planet. Yes..the planet.

She was writing a book about passion. She knew a lot about the topic. Karen began barefoot water skiing in her forties - even though she lost her hearing in a water skiing fall decades earlier. She never let go of her passion and has followed more dreams than most of us can claim.

You might imagine my surprise (WHAT?)when she called to get my take on passion and even greater surprise when I saw our interview (ARE YOU KIDDING?) in her now published book, Unwrapping Your Passion: Creating the Life You Truly Want . 

---

Chapter 19

When Passion Wanes

“If you have the courage to begin, you

have the courage to succeed.”

~ David Viscott

When was the last time you had a spark?

When was the last time you had a change and it was wonderful for you?

Those are the questions life coach Kathy Larson uses when exploring a client’s desire for a life of joy and meaning. Kathy trained with Brené Brown, and she is a certified Daring Way Facilitator and Life Coach.

“Most people are looking for their next thing,” says Kathy.

“They’ve had some awakening, a breakthrough. They get to a point where they say, ‘Enough of this crap! This isn’t working. I need help!’ They realize they need something different. That’s the starting point.”

It comes down to what you value, Kathy explained. What do you value? What are you about? How do others describe you—does that fit with what you know to be true about yourself? Dig deep enough into your values and you’ll find your passion.

“Passion is a deep sense, almost like a longing. It’s something that’s really, really hard to control—it’s strong—almost like a yearning, a strong feeling that pulls you. It will grab your attention. When you find and define your passion, you can’t ignore it. It’s a love for something so strong you can’t let go of it.”

“I believe we are born curious,” Kathy explained. “We are born seekers. We are figuring out how to be alive—and our purpose is to learn and discover from that curiosity. When you are clear about your purpose, you can move ahead to fulfilling your purpose with passion. Your passion creates connections in the world.”

“But,” I asked Kathy, “what happens when passion wanes? What happens when we lose that spark—how do we get it back?”

“With passion,” Kathy replied, “many people find it during a crisis. ‘Fight or Flight’ is turned on. When there’s a crisis, that’s where we will stand in our strength. And there are times during our life when we step into our purpose, fulfill it, and move on.”

---

There you have it... 

Memorial Day

How has this day transformed from sunburns, sand and laughs to another hurried and extra day to get sh*t done...like laundry, for instance? As a child, Memorial Day was always the kick off to summer. The pool was open. The fresh green grass welcomed bare feet.  The beach beckoned. We debuted our new bathing suits and greased our pale bodies with baby oil. 

Now, there are sunspots and the regular trips to the dermatologists. Hats and long sleeves. Sunscreens with SPF 50.

And....THE LIST.

I awoke this morning to the rumble of THE LIST in my head. The dogs were dancing and anticipating their walk. The cats were howling and demanding full bowls. I pulled on my jeans, and still in a stupor, began to hurry. I had a VERY BIG LIST.

I stepped outside and left the house with two leashes in hand. The dogs tugged and gave me no choice but to follow. I took a deep breath and smiled. There was no sand but there was beauty. I didn't hear laughter but I felt great joy. There was only breath and the scents of flowers and newly mown grass.

I revised THE LIST as I ambled and the dogs sniffed and did what dogs do. By the time we headed back home, the most important things - the only ones, really -  that needed to get done were now at the top:

1. Bask in the beauty that surrounds me.

2. Embrace the path without resistance.

3. Breathe.

4. Exhale.

5. Work.

6. Repeat. Every. Damn. Day.

How's your list? You may want to take a walk today...Happy Memorial Day!

Your Wild and Precious Life →

My favorite poet, Mary Oliver closed her poem “The Summer Day,” with a challenge:

Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

That is the question, isn’t it? The same question. Every damn day. What is the plan? Is this the life I want? After years and years of asking the questions, here’s what I know about that:

Your wild and crazy body, mind, and spirit drives your bus. If you don’t grab the wheel, you can’t know where you’ll end up.

So, let’s explore this. I know that you don’t have to think about becoming alive every morning. You just are. You don’t have to think about breathing. You just do. (We really don’t need to mess with bodily functions to continue this path of reasoning, do we?)

The thing is that those are processes we need to survive. Living? That’s something far juicier.

We get to take bites of the forbidden fruits of fun and excitement and fear and love. If we want to live our wholehearted and magical life, let’s begin our days with “Why not?” instead of “Of course not!”

Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, “No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I AM ENOUGH. - Brené Brown

Yes, you are. So what will we do to fire up the bus, plan a new route, and drive towards your wild and precious life?

These are the last days of April and National Poetry Month. I thought you would enjoy reading Mary Oliver’s entire poem. Namaste.

The Summer Day

by Mary Oliver

Who made the world?

Who made the swan, and the black bear?

Who made the grasshopper?

This grasshopper, I mean-

the one who has flung herself out of the grass,

the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,

who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-

who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.

Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.

Now she snaps her wings open and floats away.

I don’t know exactly what a prayer is.

I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down

into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,

how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,

which is what I have been doing all day.

Tell me, what else should I have done?

Doesn’t everything die at last, and too soon?

Tell me, what is it you plan to do

with your one wild and precious life?

A Self-Compassion Exercise

It's the end of the month. Where did the time go? And - Where did the money go? Calm down. Let's be wise. Let's take care of body and mind with breath and kindness.

"Easy for you to say, Kathy," the Gremlin says. "I can do this. I have been here before." Kathy responds. "Well, stupid. Why does your money fear return, then?" Gremlin says. "Gremlin, I don't have fear of money. I am simply human." I say.

Yes, we are human and our real fear lay in the fear of the unknown. What if I don't have enough? Food, heat, gas, clothing, television - well, we don't really need that - or shelter?

My guess is, for most us, that ain't gonna happen. That is, unless there is a true disaster caused by fire, wind or water. chances are we won't lose everything at once. So again, the Gremlin says, "Easy for you to say." Well, actually it is easy for me to say. About twenty-five years ago, I had to give up my home, my business, my savings, and my great credit score. I was forced to learn that losing everything was bad, but just because that happened, it didn't mean I was bad. I had to learn to think differently.

I had to learn to be self-compassionate.

I wasn't a bad person...A bad thing happened to me. That's a BIG difference!

Now, the most important part of that story is that because that happened, and that I still make mistakes (no kidding!), I learned how to help myself and others practice self compassion.

Try it:

Take a breath.
Let go with a long exhale.
Now, repeat to yourself:
May I be safe. 
May I be peaceful. 
May I be kind to myself. 
May I accept myself just as I am. 

Remember: This is all we really need. Belief in ourselves and our common humanity. Money can't buy it. You need to believe it. Namaste.

Wowza!

I just got off the phone with a world shaker, my coach for the next six weeks. How do you know when you are with a World Shaker?

• She is fearless.  It takes courage to get people to look behind the story they are telling themselves. My story was that no one needed to hear my story. But guess what? I am reminded that our stories are what form us! As human beings we are in the business of sense making and reflecting back before we jump forward. It’s what we do with our coach.
• She is fun. Laughter is an icebreaker of the highest form. We take things way too seriously. I really know this because I am a Self-Compassion Coach. Sometimes the most compassionate thing we can do for ourselves is to laugh at even the most bleak, complicated and seemingly hopeless situations.
• She’s smart. There is an art to knowing and asking permission to share. When someone shares before checking in, she is usually armed with assumption. “I am going to tell her this because she probably doesn’t know it.” That ain’t fair. Being smart is to give credit generously for the other person’s life experience and to look for places where yours intersects.

So, thank you, Coach. You shook my world free of fear and confusion. It was fun and I am armed and curious to meet the week ahead!

Good stuff this coaching thing…

Hello...Is that really you?

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if you could always show up as your true self? The one that’s tired, joyful, energized, scared, confused, hurt, excited, celebratory, accomplished, curious, bored, slow, fast, hungry or any other human condition feel at any time on any day.

I was reading an interview with David Letterman today as I sipped my morning tea. I drink strong black tea with lots of sugar and coconut milk. I talk a lot about healthy eating, but the truth is, I love caffeine, raw sugar, and tortilla chips. That even sounds like a meal to me.

Back to Letterman. If you remember, he was always self-deprecating on his show. His “What do I know and what does it matter” routine served his TV persona well. In this interview, and now that he’s retired, he’s still the same way. There’s a crabby old guy, but with humility now. He still made me laugh. And he wasn’t even trying. Letterman is real and vulnerable.

In my job as a coach, I am always looking for that person. That’s who I want to share space with...the person that is really there.  So, please:

1. Be Honest. I won’t judge you. Not my job description.You can learn to speak freely. You will be safe just tell me what’s going on right now.

2. Pay attention to your assumptions. Phrases like, “This is what is going to happen,” are for fortune tellers.

3. And then there are interpretations. “When this happened before, I lost my job, so, I know that I am going to lose this one, too.”

4. Stop judging yourself for feeling this way. Popeye says, “I am what I am.” You are who you are. I want to know you.

5. Be vulnerable and courageous. Show up as your authentic, tired, joyful, energized, scared, confused, hurt, excited, celebratory, accomplished, curious, bored, slow, fast, hungry or any other human condition and don't allow anything to prevent you from showing up.

You don’t have anything to prove...you are fine just the way you are.